Date: Sat, 30 Aug 1997 03:42:28 +0000 GMT
From: Francis Figurski <FFigurski1@AOL.com>
X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.01 (Macintosh; I; PPC)
To: Richard Alan Holeton <holeton@stanford.EDU>
Subject: Figurski and Fatima Michelle Vieuchanger at Findhorn with Spam and Rosellini's 1737 Mechanical Pig
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>>...building up a tolerance...
>>...don't think she likes me...
>...Incidentally, you may have something that Ms. Vieuchanger wants.
you mean she doesn't want my body
i could show her a thing or two
>>...believe i'll perform a few tests
>...no doubt we'll be hearing about them.
so i take the pigs out to the beach by the harbor go down where i think nobody's around
the pigs are starting to become a big deal and i don't want any more publicity if you know what i mean
feel like i have to sneak around now reminds me of fucking harvard
sometimes everything reminds me of being an eatshit graduate student
not easy to carry both of the fuckers one is heavy enough
would've let 'em trot but don't want to rouse the villagers
villagers a little edgy about the commune people who after all stole the name of their town so that it's forever associated with wackos instead of the majority of ordinary conservative fishing people
also now that i'm thinking about the potential value of these porkers i don't want to get any extra sand in 'em might muck up the gears
i open the spam set the switches and cranks and spoon some to pig 1 then pig 2
i remember the exact way that my pig the real one mashed together his jaws slightly off center splattering a little spam up on the snout dribbling some down the chin
and the chins the jowl i guess it's called the jowl of pig 2 isn't quite the same it's too bulgy or something
don't get me wrong pig 2 is an excellent imitation every bit of material seems to be identical
but the finish is just not quite right there's a certain patina around the joints and seams of pig 1 that i knew from the beginning wasn't the same on the fake one
sure enough pig 1 shits out the spam in the same perfect double-tapered spam turds that it shat on the universal hall stage four years ago
pig 2 turds only tapered at one end
remember the old joke why are turds tapered at both ends
so your asshole won't slam shut
well i don't know whether pig 2's turd is not tapered at the back end because the mechanical anus closes too fast or rather the anus closes too fast because the turd is not properly shaped by the mechanical guts before it gets there or maybe some combination of both but the fact is the two systems are out of sync
ok so then i'm going to repeat the test with sham the imitation british brand
sham copied the spam can but reversed the blue and yellow logo design to avoid a lawsuit i suppose
sham is very close to spam like a different brand of dog food with a slightly different texture and smell that your dog thinks is a huge difference and will flat out refuse to eat
close but no cigar
so i start to open the sham can and that's when i spot the algerian i mean moroccan or whatever woman
size her up from a distance even from faraway you get a sense how smoothly do the parts all fit together is that henna in her hair
not too bad i'm thinking then i realize what she's doing there watching me out of the side of her vision
very shifty thinks i can't tell she's spying on me
i can get angry when i think people are trying to make a fool of me
anyway that's the end of the spam test
i'm not going to perform for her like i did for the findhorn freaks before not going to perform for her private party there's enough of that around here already
if she sticks around this place i will get a good look at her right in the eye.