Figurski at Findhorn on Acid


Terrorist, Pig Spotted in Scotland Wearing Shorts

(Inverness, Scotland) On Sunday morning a woman alleged to be an Algerian international terrorist operating under the code name 'Tanya' was seen boarding a train in Inverness with a meter-long mechanical pig on a leather lead.

According to witnesses, the pig wore a large pair of boxer shorts over its hindquarters emblazoned with the trademark blue and yellow logos of 'Spam' processed meat product. The 'p's' in Spam had been replaced with 'h's,' spelling out 'Sham,' a competing British product similar to Spam.

Bystanders also reported that the boxer shorts appeared to be on backwards, with the pig's realistic tail apparatus thrust upward through the fly of the cult fashion undergarments.

A spokeswoman for Hormel Foods Inc., which tightly controls the licenses for Spam-related merchandise, would say only that 'Spam 100% Cotton Twill Boxer Shorts come with a fully elasticized waist and unisex design with no front fly opening.'

Some witnesses speculated that 'Tanya' was actually 'a Highland lass gone daff in the head', while others said that she was a transient cross-dressing hippie from Findhorn, a new age intentional community about 45 kilometers from Inverness.

The train was bound for Newcastle and York, with stops in Aberdeen, Dundee, Perth, Edinburgh, and Berwick. Neither the woman nor the pig was reported to have disembarked anywhere along this itinerary. The train arrived in York on schedule at 01:10 GMT Monday without incident.

Sir Fluffer Stout, Secretary General of the British Board of Trade, today promised a prompt investigation, suggesting that Sham Meats Ltd. had perpetrated a publicity stunt that had 'simply got out of hand, to say the least.'

The U.S. attaché in Edinburgh refused comment, but highly-placed consular officials in London, speaking not for attribution, said that all reports of terrorist activity are taken seriously by the English-speaking world, possibly including 'potentially subversive acts' such as this one.

View Lexia Map
View Global Map