Figurski at Findhorn on Acid


[L'Espadon restaurant at Paris Hotel Ritz, glowing candles. Parted curtains reveal summer night skyline. Morcheeba's "Over and Over" plays eerily on invisible speakers (I'm falling over and over and over and over again now/ Calling over and over and over and over again...). White-jacketed waiters serve formally-dressed diners. Figurski seats himself with the waiting Princess Diana. Nguyen (in kilt) and waiter hover.]

Princess Diana: I'll have the scrambled eggs with wild mushrooms and asparagus. And the sauteéd sole.

Waiter: Your highness. Scrambled eggs and Spam and mushrooms and asparagus and Spam and sole and Spam is it?

Figurski: Darling.

Nguyen [to Figurski, then to himself]: This whole country is like walking around in that damn Monty Python skit. English people are very sick! Very sick. In my country, people do not see what is so funny here. If you translate this to Vietnamese and show it on the village TV, no one will be laughing. Except for that tall guy, Cheese, I mean Cleese, he is very funny. He would make a much better Prince Charles than me! [Exits through arch.]

Princess Diana: Dodi darling. [Looks up when Nguyen exits.] That was strange, I thought I heard my ex-husband. [Pause.] Oh Dodi! Where was I.

Figurski: Yes.

Princess Diana: Darling. The maître d'hôtel says 30 paparazzi await us outside. Fangs bared.

Figurski: I'm calling security. [Pushes buttons on cell phone.]

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