[L'Espadon restaurant at Paris Hotel Ritz, glowing candles. Parted curtains reveal summer night skyline.
White-jacketed waiters serve formally-dressed diners. Morcheeba's "Over and Over" plays eerily on invisible
speakers (I'm falling over and over and over and over again now/ Calling over and over and over and
over
again...). Frank "Dodi al-Fayed" Figurski and F.M. "Princess Diana" Vieuchanger take their
seats center-stage.
Waiter hovers. John Cleese, dressed like Prince Charles in formal kilt, stands near entry.]
Vieuchanger [hangs sequined bag over chair]: I'll have the scrambled eggs with wild
mushrooms and asparagus. And the sauteéd sole..
Waiter: Your Highness. Scrambled eggs and Spam and mushrooms and asparagus and Sham
and sole and Spam is it?
Figurski: Darling.
Cleese-Charles [singing like Vikings in Monty Python
skit]: Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam;
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam. It's Spam, not Sham! [Muttering.] Wait, this is a different
sketch. Who am I supposed to
[looks down at kilt] ... aha. Well then. Right. [Does
about-face with flip of kilt, clicks heels, exits.]
Vieuchanger: Dodi darling. [Looks up when John Cleese
exits.] That was strange, I
thought I heard my ex-husband. [Pause.] Oh Dodi! Where was I.
Figurski: Yes.
Vieuchanger: Darling. The maître d'hôtel says 30 paparazzi await us
outside. Fangs
bared.
Figurski: I'm calling security. [Pushes buttons on cell
phone.]
on 
with 
