Figurski at Findhorn on Acid


[Paris Hotel Ritz, L'Espadon restaurant. Black sky, stars show through partially-open curtains. Candles on a few tables, stage lights down low. Morcheeba's "Over and Over" plays eerily on invisible speakers (I'm falling over and over and over and over again now/ Calling over and over and over and over again...). F.M. "Princess Diana" Vieuchanger seated center, pushing food aimlessly around her plate; formally-clad mechanical pig on leash hooked over her chair with large sequined bag. John "Trevor Rees-Jones" Cleese stands adjacent. Pig makes whirring sound. Vieuchanger suddenly gets antsy.]

Vieuchanger [to Cleese-Rees-Jones]: Can't you make it sit? [Pause.] Spam has all these white ... speckles. [Pause.] So ... chewy. [Pause.] Where did Dodi-bear go?

Cleese-Rees-Jones [distracted by sputtering candle at another table]: Dodi-bear? [Pause, turns back.] Sit, pig.

[Figurski enters through arch.]

Figurski: Sweetie-poo. [Takes Vieuchanger's hand.] I've been making arrangements.

[Enter Henri Paul, assistant director of hotel security, carrying empty wine glass and weaving noticeably.]

Henri: I hear you need a ride! Greetings Preenchess. [Slaps Cleese-Rees-Jones on the back.] Hey Trevor old boy. Hallo peeg. Good peeggy.

[Lights down. Spot on Figurski's face.]

Figurski: Computer, car scene.

[Dim lights, twinkling stars, Parisian skyline. Henri Paul speeds through streets in black Mercedes. Cleese-Rees-Jones is in front passenger seat, Figurski and Vieuchanger in the back. Figurski tries to cuddle, but Vieuchanger has large sequined bag over her shoulder, mechanical pig in her lap.]

Henri: Paparazzi, paparazzi, paparazzi, eet's so fun to shay.

Vieuchanger [shrugging off Figurski's hand, pressing face against opposite tinted window]: Falling star! Another one! Another one!

Cleese-Rees-Jones: They're right on our ass, Henri.

Figurski: Those are trails you're seeing, my dear.

Henri: Can't cash me, I'm zee Zheengerbread Man!

Cleese-Rees-Jones: Watch out for that ...

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